“Yes,” the woman said.

“Do you remember what type of surgery it was?”

“I’m not sure,” the old lady said. “It was a long time ago.”

The physician noticed a scar on the right side of the woman’s abdomen. He pointed to the scar. “Is this where you had the surgery?” he asked.

“No,” said the woman. “It was in Brooklyn.”

The little boy replied, “Sure! Just go straight down this street a couple of blocks and turn to your right.”

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, “I’m the new pastor in town.  I’d like for you to come to church on Sunday. I’ll show you how to get to Heaven.”

The little boy replied with a chuckle, “Awww, come on… You don’t even know the way to the Post Office.”

“Why?” asks Mick, thinking he’d worked hard and done an excellent job.

“Well,” said the boss. “Pat has put in 50 poles this week and you have only done 5.”

Mick looks rather perplexed and angry.  “But look how far he has left them sticking out!”

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.  “Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.

“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

She persisted and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked, “How does that feel?”

He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”

“You’re on,” said his wife. “Where is the thousand?”

“That is your first worry,” he replied.

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won‘t sleep with you tonight!”

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I‘m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I‘m a journalist and I‘ve got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean two hundred dollars?!!!”

“Absolutely,” says the man.

“Well, you’ll love Thursdays then,” says Satan. “All we do is drink beer, whiskey, vodka – anything you want. And you’re dead, so there’s no hangover.”

“Sweet!” says the man.

“Do you like drugs? asks Satan. “Because it’s same deal on Friday – all the drugs you can possibly take without any side effects.”

“Awesome!” says the man. “There has to be some catch to all of this…”

“Not at all,” says Satan. “You’re gay, right?”

“No,” says the man.

“Not even a little bit gay?” Satan asks.

“Not at all,” says the man.

“Oh, well, then Saturdays are going to be a little rough!”

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement. Whereas the party of the first part, also known as ‘the lawyers’ and the party of the second part, also known as ‘the light bulb’ do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination ofthe area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aformentioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part (‘receptacle’), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once seperation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part (‘new light bulb’). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do som the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximisation of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as ‘The Firm’.

“I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”

“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”

“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old given her father’s age, so he entered the house. Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man, since she was relentlessly flirting with him throughout the meal.

Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night, he could bear it no longer.  He sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock the size of a football on his chest with a note on it that read: “Chinese Torture No. 1: Large rock on chest.”

“Well, that’s pretty pathetic,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.”

He picked the large rock, walked over to the window and threw it out. As he did so he noticed another note on the bottom of the rock that read: “Chinese Torture No. 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”

In a panic, he glanced down and saw the falling rock was getting close to the end of the cord tied to it. Figuring that a few broken bones is better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.  As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read:  ”Chinese Torture No. 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”