The Funny Paper Blog

A young man goes into the Job Center in Prescott, Arizona, and sees a card advertising for a Plastic Surgeon’ s Assistant.  Interested, he goes to learn more. “Can you give me some more details?” he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, “The job entails taking pre-operative pictures, immediate post-operative pictures and help with the six month follow-up visit.  This entails taking photographs of the breasts, testing them for proper feel and realism, and demonstration of self-massage technique to ensure comfort and correct texture.”

Reading further, he said, “There’s an annual salary of $45,000, but you’re going to have to go to Flagstaff. That’s about 95 miles from here.”

The enthused job-seeker asked, “Oh, is that where the job is?”

“No sir… That’s where the end of the applicant line is right now.”

You ski uphill.

You speed walk in your sleep.

You answer the door before people knock.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.

You lick your coffee pot clean.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

People get dizzy just watching you.

People can test their batteries in your ears.

Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.

Your Thermos is on wheels.

You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.

You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.

You don’t tan, you roast.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

You think CPR stands for “Coffee Provides Resuscitation.”

Once a MARINE always a MARINE.  On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired MARINE, and asked, “Honey, do you remember this?”

He looked up from his newspaper and said; “Yes dear, I do.  You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”

She said, “Yes, that’s right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?”

He nodded and said “Yes dear, I said; ‘Oh baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.’”

She giggled and said; “That’s exactly what you said. So now its fifty years later, and I’m in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?”

He looked her up and down and said: “Mission Accomplished.”

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:  “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: “Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”

Michael said, “Just a minute.  I have to go pee.”

The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite.  What about you Sherman, how would you say it?”

Sherman said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”

“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.  And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”

“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”

The teacher fainted…

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.  One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.  Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.  If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.  She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back.  He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day,about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey,” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.”

“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said.

The wife did and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.  Three with meatballs, two without – Send extra sauce.”

A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts, “Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”

The wife says, “Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?”

He says, “I don’t care! Just be out by the end of the week!”

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward — NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!”

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows, “One burger!”

Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

“That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen,” the old lady says.

“Yeah?” says the counterman. “You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts.”

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, “Wow, that’s a really fancy watch.”

Thanks, says the guy, “It’s the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it’ll answer me, telepathically.”

“Rubbish,” says the girl.

“No, it’s true,” says that guy. “Look, tell you what, I’ll prove it. I’ll ask it if you’ve got any panties on.”

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, “Nope, it says you haven’t got any panties on.”

“Well, it’s wrong,” says the girl, “I do have panties on.”

“Damn,” says the guy, slapping his watch, “it’s an hour fast!”