The Funny Paper Blog

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” — even when you don’t know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door the boy thinks he can make a little more quick cash. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

Two guys are watching a dog lick its privates and one, in typical guy fashion, says, “Man, I wish I could do that.”

The other guy says, “Really? I think I’d just like to pet him.”

A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.

Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said… ”Meow.”

“Just cats,” said the farmer.

He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said… ”Woof’.”

“Just dogs,” the farmer said.

As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said… ”Potatoes!”

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.

The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

“YOU WANKER — GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him. He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, “What you think?”

The Lone Ranger looks at the star filled sky and replies reassuringly, “Well, Tonto, it’s like this: God gives us miracles in life. Each day is a new beginning, just like every night there’s a new star in the sky. What do you think?”

Annoyed, Tonto looks at him and says, “Tonto think someone stole tent.”

One day Pinocchio came to Geppetto with a problem.

“Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?”

“Have you tried sandpaper?” Pinocchio hadn’t, so he went to try it.

“Pinnochio,” said Geppetto a few weeks later. “How is the problem work out with your girlfriend?”

“Girlfriend?” said Pinnochio. “Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?”

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that it’s not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that’s bad.

Was he generous? Did he give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I’m trying to help. Now think!”

The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell’s Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

“I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face.”

“Wow”, said Peter, “That’s impressive. When did this happen”?

“Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.

One evening a husband, thinking it would be being funny, said to his wife “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!” His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What the Hell is this?” he said to himself as a small dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. “April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder honey… it’s Miracle Grow!”

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, “I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie….Hell is waiting for you.”

To the first man the Lord asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”

The first man replied, “Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.”

Jesus replied, “Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.”

To the second man Jesus asked, “How many times did you cheat on your wife?”

The second man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife twice.”

Jesus replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.”

To the third man Jesus asked, “So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”

The third man replied, “Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times.”

The Lord replied, “I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation.”

A couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. “Why are you crying?” the two men asked. “You got the mansion and limo!”

The first man replied, “I’m crying because I saw my wife a little while ago. She was living in a cardboard box and she was riding a skateboard!”

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable
cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn’t help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn’t do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot
bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the
windows and stand in the draft.

“But doc,” protested the patient, “if I do that, I’ll get pneumonia.”

“I know,” said his physician. “I can cure pneumonia.”