“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man.
“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend.
“I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. “Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior by challenging you to a golf match.”
The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.
“Not to worry,” said the Cardinal. “We’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can’t lose!”
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.
“Second?!!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!”
“No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years I took your advice, and this year I’m not gonna do it.”
“Why not?” Luther asked.
“Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then, two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and durned if Earlene didn’t get pregnant again.”
Luther asks, “So, what are you gonna do this year that’s different?”
Billy Bob says, “This year, I’m taking Earlene with me!”
Three ministers, a Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Southern Baptist and their wives were all on a cruise together. A rogue wave came up and swamped the ship. They all drowned. The next thing you know, they’re standing in front of St. Peter. As fate would have it, the first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife.
St. Peter shook his head sadly and said to the Presbyterian minister, “I can’t let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much. You loved it so much you even married a woman named Penny.”
St. Peter waved sadly, and poof, down the chute to the “other place” they went.
Next in line was the Southern Baptist. “Sorry. I can’t let you in either,” said St. Peter. “You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much you even married a woman named Candy.”
Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and WHAM, down the chute went the Southern Baptists.
The Methodist minister turned to his wife and whispered nervously, “It ain’t looking good, Fanny.”
Four married guys go golfing.While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:
1st Guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
2nd Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool.”
3rd Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her.
They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn’t said anything. So they asked him, “You haven’t said anything about what you had todo to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
4th guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, ‘golf course or intercourse?’ Without even opening her eyes, she rolled over and said, ‘Wear your sweater.’”
A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu. “I’d like one under cooked egg so that it’s running, and one over cooked egg that it’s tough and hard to eat. I’d also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it’s impossible to spread, and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee.”
“That’s a complicated order sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.”
The guest replied sarcastically, “It can’t be that difficult because that’s exactly what you brought me yesterday!”
A caddy found a golf ball at the end of the fairway that he claimed belonged to Tiger Woods because it had a picture of his mistress on it. When questioned about it, Tiger looked at the ball with the picture and replied, “Yeah, I hit that.”
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Off the seventh tee, Joe sliced his shot deep into a wooded ravine. He took his eight iron and clambered down the embankment in search of his lost ball. After many long minutes of hacking at the underbrush, he spotted something glistening in the leaves. As he drew nearer, he discovered that it was an eight iron in the hands of a skeleton.
Joe immediately called out to his friend, “Jack! I’ve got trouble down here!”
“What’s the matter?” Jack asked from the edge of the ravine.
“Bring me my wedge,” Joe shouted. “You can’t get out of here with an eight iron.”
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, “Vietnam, 1969.”
The other points his thumb behind him and says, “Dog crap, 20 feet back.”
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that moment, the Atheist cried out “Oh my God!….” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don”t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light. “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw ….. brought both paws together…bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”
